The Genesis of Blizzard
by SailorMoonV
Summary: A humorous look at how everyone's favorite computer-gaming company came to be.


The Genesis of Blizzard  
  
by Troy "Silver" Stanton  
  
In the beginning, God said, "Let there be light." And lo, there was a bright radiance which was called Light. The radiance also added contrast to everything, separating things by degrees of exposure to the holy glow, and thus were Darkness and Shadow created. And God called it good.  
  
God then went forth and created a realm which he called Sanctuary, a blue world bathed in equal amounts of Light and Darkness, for he was a fair and balanced creator. He then made all manner of men and beasts, setting them loose up on the realm to be fruitful and multiply. Upon the seventh day of this creation binge, he rested and called that day a day of holy rest to be celebrated and venerated by man in Sanctuary. From then on, God would always rest upon the seventh day of each week, as it wasn't easy being the Almighty.  
  
Time passed, and both man and beast multiplied as commanded. Man, having intelligence, wisdom, and the ability to choose his own path, began to spread across the realm with most becoming devout worshippers of the Light that gave them life.  
  
Some men, however, found favor among the Darkness and thus slowly began to turn away from God. After time, they noticed that God always took a nap at the same time on every holy day of rest. Being envious of his powers, they sought to usurp part of his creation and claim it for themselves to mold as they saw fit.  
  
And so they waited and bided their time until God took his afternoon nap before setting out with their tools and plans. They ripped away part of the firmament of Sanctuary, claiming it as their own. Thus the Dark Ones came to be, and thus was Hell created.  
  
"Look at us now!" they cried as God awoke to see what had happened. "We too can lay claim to a realm of our own, to create as we please! What do you say about that, Mr. Big-shot?"  
  
And God sat down to think for a moment before replying, "So you have taken the Darkness away from that which I have created, and upon that build a seat of power that draws from the dark. This cannot be allowed to pass without an act to restore the balance."  
  
God immediately then set foot upon his creation and went about, drawing off all that which was pure and holy and right, fashioning it into a sacred realm that would be untainted by the conglomeration of Darkness. Into this new sanctified realm he placed the purest of men's souls, veiling them in the blinding brilliance of holy light and setting them as righteous guardians to stand against those who sought its destruction. Thus the Angels came to be,  
and thus was Heaven created.  
  
God then set the world of Sanctuary into motion, spinning it around very slowly like a top on its axis. "There," God proclaimed to the Dark Ones, "See how I have restored balance to the world. For equal parts of each day, both light and darkness shall bathe Sanctuary in turns so that there shall be equal exposure to both. Though this world shall be forever suspended between the Light and the Darkness, those who dwell upon the land shall be free to choose which path to follow and thus be in charge of their own destiny. This is to be called Free Will, and never shall it be infringed upon!" And lo, with a wave of his hand, his holy word was thus written down to be preserved for all to see, and it was called good.  
  
"Oh, yeah?" the Dark Ones replied with contempt, for they knew that to obey God's laws was to submit to his will. They sat down and began a dark plan to lay claim to the souls of man, taking all that which they had created up to this point and calling it Evil to unite it under a single banner. From this evil they made seven great powers and set them loose in Hell to transform the realm into a place where the souls of man could be enslaved to their will.  
  
Thus was born the Prime Evils, the Three Brothers: Mephisto, the Lord of Hatred; Diablo, the Lord of Terror; and Baal, the Lord of Destruction. And so too were born four lesser powers of Evil: Belial, the Lord of Lies; Azmodan, the Lord of Sin; Andariel, the Maiden of Anguish; and Duriel, the Lord of Pain. Each promptly set forth to create all manners of foul demons, crafting forsaken souls in their own images as God once crafted man in his.  
  
"Let us begin!" the Prime Evils cried once their creations were ready. And thus the first great evil was unleashed upon the mortal world, a festering plague that killed mortal men and allowed their corpses to be reanimated with the lost souls of the damned. The Undead thus rose from their graves with rotting flesh and ragged bone, roaming the land as skeletons and zombies.  
  
And God looked with great sadness upon the tide of evil starting to wash across his precious Sanctuary of mortal souls. "Very well," he sighed as he returned to his workshop. "Then I shall create a warrior to combat this evil. His soul shall be pure and righteous, and he shall rise to become a great leader of men. He shall have the divine power to inspire others, to share his strength with allies so that they may also inflict my wrath upon the evils." And thus was the Paladin created.  
  
The Paladin strode forward into the world and said, "I shall cleanse this wilderness." And with a mighty scepter in one hand and a shield in the other, with his head adorned by a noble crown and body protected by armor, he charged into the midst of the Undead and began to lay havoc to their ranks. His blows did great damage to the unprotected bones of his enemies, and thus they were crushed beneath his shield as he smote them with his holy strength. And so a lot of damage was done in the name of the Light, and God called it good.  
  
"Not bad," the Dark Ones allowed, having fully expected that God would find a way to strike back at them. "So the Undead are weak against the blunt weight of his scepter, but we shall send forth Demons with flesh over their bones to cushion the blows of your Paladin. They shall come in a swarm to overpower him, and among them shall be those who can raise them from the dead so they shall not be easily put down. The demons will be numerous, so let's see how you deal with this one."  
  
And thus the Demons went forth, yammering excitedly and waving their torches as they surged out of the ground. They surrounded the Paladin and began to beat him mercilessly, denting his shield and wounding him grievously. And God saw this, and knew that his work was not yet over.  
  
"Help he needs, and help he shall have," God proclaimed as he once again turned to his workshop. "As I have created man, so too shall I create woman. Let her be keen of eye and swift of nerve, mistress of the bow and spear. She shall send forth arrows to come down like rain from a distance, so as not to subject herself to undue risk. She shall not shy from direct confrontation when it draws near, and she shall be granted great prowess in battle to avoid and defend herself." And thus was the Amazon created.  
  
The Amazon strode forward into the world and said, "I shall purge this land of the shadow." And with a bow in one hand and a spear at her back, she went forth to aid the Paladin by raining down steel-tipped death from beyond their sight. Her aim was unerring as she sent her arrows into the hearts of the demons, giving the Paladin enough respite to press his own attacks. And so together they dealt out a hefty amount of damage in the name of the Light, and God called it good.  
  
"Ouch," the Dark Ones replied as a Shaman took an arrow to the eye. "If you want to play that way, so be it. We shall send forth many beasts that can shoot back, raining quills from a distance that rivals your sexy blonde. So too shall the Undead become archers, and we shall raise the bodies of her Rogue sisters as Corrupted Rogues to challenge her on the field. To this we add a greater number of Demons and Undead than she has arrows in her quiver, and together our forces shall overwhelm your noble Paladin and curvacious Amazon. See how you like THAT one."  
  
And thus the burial grounds and the plains became infested with evil, a black and blue horde of scantily-clad women bearing axes and spears and bows tearing across the landscape. Hard at their heels were Quill Rats covered in spiny thorns, each tipped with poison to weaken their foes. And another surge of Undead and Demons erupted from the ground, swarming around the two Heroes of the Light and causing them grievous wounds.  
  
A great sigh echoed across the realm as God turned back to his workshop. "Very well, then I shall create a warrior impervious to such needles. His flesh shall be as stone, and his muscles imbued with the strength of giants. He shall wield two weapons with great mastery, to cleave flesh or crush bone as he desires. His voice shall echo between the mountains to inspire fear in his enemies and to empower his allies." And thus was the Barbarian created.  
  
The Barbarian strode forth into the world and said, "Beware foul demons and beasts." And with a cry, he threw himself into the swarms of demons with great rage. Empowered by the holy presence of the Paladin, he ignored the tiny stings of quills as he bashed brains and cut throats, hewing away at the throng with swords and axes and leaving a trail of blood in his wake. Thus relieved, the Amazon was able to once resume raining death down upon evil at a distance and thinning the herd. And so there was MUCH destruction in the name of the Light, and God called it good.  
  
"Holy crap," the Dark Ones said in shocked awe. "Time to up the ante. Go forth, Andariel, and show these mortals what it feels like to be weakend by poison. To aid thee, we shall send great hairy beasts with thick hides that are very resistant to arrows and blades. We shall give them great hands to bitch-slap their foes, making them see stars and thus be vulnerable to their demise. Then we shall send forth the sheep...."  
  
There was an awkward pause from among the Darkness before a voice coughed in reply, "Umm, we're a little busy with the sheep at the moment, boss. Why don't you use the goats instead? They're not as soft and those horns pack a mean punch...."  
  
"Then we shall send forth the goats," the Dark Ones proclaimed. "As man they shall walk, and as Heroes they shall fight. More Undead and Demons shall rise to escort them, and together they will show those meddlesome humans the hard way to Hell."  
  
And thus the bare-breasted Maiden of Anguish strode into the fray, with her great arms and chained rings. "Fear me!" she proclaimed as she cast great clouds of noxious poison into the field of battle, sickening the Heroes. So too did they battle with the hairy beasts with hands to make a basketball star blink, and lo, the mace-wielding goatmen that followed with them thus made the Heroes' grasp on the warmth of life a tenuous one. And so the tides did turn, forcing the Light to fall back to regroup and reconsider.  
  
"Okay," God said slowly as he eyed Andariel's figure, wondering just how natural that could be and wincing at the nipple-chains. "If Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, so too shall Heaven hath no fury like a woman. She shall be the mistress of magic, able to draw upon the elements of Fire, Ice, and Lightning to protect herself and defeat her foes. Those who do not yield to the blade will therein yield to that which burns with the essence of mana. I shall turn her blood blue with it, and none shall be her magical peer." And thus was the Sorceress created.  
  
The Sorceress strode forth into the world and said, "Evil, beware!" And thus did she coat her lithe figure in a glaze of ice to protect herself, and began to unleash a swarm of lightning bolts to zap the evil foes. She then cast about a sheet of ice to freeze her enemies in place, next laying down a curtain of fire to scorch that which was still standing. With the addition of her elemental magics, the Heroes were able to rally to counter-attack, and thus united as one they were able to slay the Demon Queen with much effort and not a few crude size jokes from the Barbarian, much to the offense of the well-endowed Amazon and the petite Sorceress. And so a great swath of destruction was carved in the name of the Light, and God called it good.  
  
"Now you are pissing us off," the Dark Ones countered. "She's cute, but we shall show you true magic. Go forth, Duriel, to freeze your foes with a chilling aura before crushing them beneath your mighty bulk. To aid thee, we shall summon the ancient Undead, poisonous wretches with the ability to raise their fallen allies from their mangled remains. We shall send forth swarms of stinging insects, and hopping creatures, and giant snakes. Cats and beetles shall walk and fight as men, great worms shall scuttle across the land, and vultures shall abound to feast off your soon-to-be dead carcasses!"  
  
And thus did the Lord of Pain crawl forth into the fray, bashing back any who got close to him. "Looking for Baal?" he taunted as maggots began to pour out of the walls, souring the stomachs of all who watched. And so did the cat warriors and the beetle warriors surge forward, using ranged attacks to wound the Heroes and respond to incoming attacks with many bursts of lightning. The ancient Undead breathed noxious fumes as they commanded their hordes to press the attack, once again driving the warriors of the Light back.  
  
God shook his head sadly and once again turned to his workshop. "I am without recourse, so I shall fight fire with fire. I will bring forth one who can command an army of skeletons as a general. As the Paladin can aid his allies, this one shall curse his foes, and where the Amazon can summon steel rain, this one shall send forth shards of poisoned bone. Let him craft sturdy minions to tank like a Barbarian, and let his blood sing with magic as if he were a Sorceress." And thus was the Necromancer created.  
  
The Necromancer strode forth into the world and said, "All who oppose me, shall perish!" And thus did he raise the fallen bodies of the demons as his army, creating skeletal warriors. So too did he raise mages from the dead, imbuing them with the power to shoot elemental missiles. Then he bid the clay earth to rise, forming a golem, then turning to raw metal to form a second. He slashed his hand to produce blood, and from that he crafted a third golem, and from the fires of Hell itself he made a fourth.  
  
And there was a sudden silence from the Dark Ones as a voice asked, "But I thought the rules were only one golem at a time? What's up with this?" To which God replied, "I modified the PetTypes and Skills files to allow this. Think of it as whipping out the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Got to love the 1.10s patch. You may proceed."  
  
And so the Necromancer went forth, ordering his legions to attack as he laid curse after curse upon the evil hordes. Bolstered by the presence of the Paladin, the minions laid waste to the lesser demons and allowed the combined forces of the Heroes to focus on the larger targets and ultimately the Lord of Pain himself. A great battle ensued, and after much blood was shed by both sides, Duriel was slain after having been taught the meaning of the word he so cherished. And so a large can of whoopass was opened up in the name of the Light, shaken well and served generously, and God called it good.  
  
"Well, that sucked," the Dark Ones observed as a calm descended upon the battlefield. "Very well, no more pissing around. Go forth, Mephisto, and spread your hatred around. Corrupt the followers of Light and turn their zeal to our side. The jungle shall disgorge its most powerful warriors, and they shall bear weapons bigger than they are to slash the feet out from under the enemy. The trees shall uproot themselves and attack with their brambles, and among them shall walk those with the power of healing. A council shall be forged, and they who sit upon it shall be granted immense power and might."  
  
And thus did the Lord of Hatred himself stride forward, bringing clouds of poison and raw death with him. Hordes of rat-bastards came screaming out of the fetid jungle to slash at the Heroes with their great knives. Great beasts emerged from the rivers and wells to lash out at the Heroes, and the Council brought forth fiery hydra beasts to rain fire down upon the Light.  
  
"This is getting ridiculous," God muttered as he once again returned to his workshop. "If bringing forth one to command the Undead was not enough, then I must bring forth one who commands the Shadow. She will have the body of a warrior and the mind of a spellcaster, using the Darkness move about to strike mighty blows for the Light. Magic she shall have, but mechanical in nature it shall be to confuse the evil she encounters. The shadows shall be both physical and mental, the better to cloud the minds of her foes to make it easier to visit Death unto them, for the Angel of Death shall she be." And thus was the Assassin created.  
  
The Assassin strode forth into the world and said, "They'll never see it coming...." And thus she armed herself with two great blades on her hands, to slice limbs off and decapitate the unwary. Her sleek body was taut with raw power, allowing her to move like mortal lightning to strike a flurry of blows with grace and style. From her belt she threw traps, explosive devices that cast forth flame and lightning when approached by evil. Thus bolstered by a new presence, the Heroes once again banded together to compliment one another in their own unique ways and began to drive the hordes back. They forged a trail to Mephisto's very lair, and after a massive effort finally tore his wretched soul from his physical body, smashing his SoulStone to prevent his return. And so a minor holocaust was unleashed in the name of the Light, and God called it good.  
  
"Acheron, we have a problem," the Dark Ones muttered as they tried to sit back and take stock of the situation. "Very well, then we shall change the battlefield and gain the home-field advantage. Let the way to Hell be opened! Go forth, Diablo, and turn you terrors loose upon them while they burn in the very pits of Hell. Great demons of fire shall roam free, and flesh-eating beasts shall be set upon them to feast on their bones. Liches shall spring forth from the grave, and all the souls of the Damned shall besiege them! Let no mortal soul that has passed once through the Gates of Hell pass again!"  
  
And lo, a voice from Redmond said, "Excuse me, did you call my name?" To which the Dark Ones sighed and replied, "No, Bill, that's a different kind of Gates we're talking about, but we know how people often invoke your name and the Infernal Realms in the same breath. How's the new software coming along, anyway?"  
  
And thus did the Lord of Terror wait in his lair for the Heroes, taunting them with the warning, "Not even Death can save you from me!" And upon his command, the souls of the Damned screamed forth from every pit and chasm in the Burning Hells to attack the Heroes. The sky rained with fire launched from both sides, and a wall of broken bones began to from upon the a sea of blood that resulted. The demons and Undead clashed with such ferocity that not even the combined might of all six would withstand the siege for long, and so they were forced to retreat for the moment.  
  
God sat back to take a calming breath, reaching for the bottle of Maalox. "Very well," he said quietly. "If they are to fight the most unnatural of powers, they are to need the most natural of powers. I shall bring forth one who is one with Nature herself, a powerful man who knows how to call upon the fury of the beasts and harness the bounty of Nature's majesty. The very winds shall bend to his will, and the earth itself shall tremble beneath his feet." And thus was the Druid created.  
  
The Druid strode forth into the world and said, "So it begins." And thus he did call upon the bounty of Nature's majesty. Great vines erupted from the ground to do his bidding, and a pack of wolves emerged from the land to follow at his heels. He shrouded himself in a veil of winds before he made a great shout, releasing the inner beast and turning into a mighty bear. He then went forth into Hell and laid waste to the legions of hell-spawned demons. He drew upon the strength of Nature to share the essence of life with his minions and his fellow Heroes, imbuing them with greater vitality.  
  
Thus renewed, the seven Heroes banded together to augment their abilities with one another. The noble aura of the Paladin gave them all strength, while the unerring aim of the Amazon provided fire cover. The mighty Barbarian held the front lines with the Druid and the Necromancer's minions, while the three elements of Fire, Ice, and Lightning poured forth from the Sorceress' hands. Hiding among the shadows lurked the Assassin, lashing out when the moment was right and leaving deadly traps behind for the hordes. Togther they pressed their assault forward, kicking down Diablo's front door and rendering lifeless his great bulk in a final battle. And so "Earth on Hell" was raised in the name of the Light, and God called it good.  
  
"Oh, shit," the Dark Ones muttered as they surveyed the carnage. "Very well, if we can't take the souls of man by force, none shall have them! Go forth, Baal, and corrupt the core of the world to cause its destruction. To keep these mortals busy while you complete your task, we shall unleash all that we have created since the Dawn of this war, and then some!. New beasts shall emerge to hinder the Light, and you shall have at your disposal the best of the best. Release the succubi and the imps and the frozen beasts! Onward to the peaks of sacred Mount Arreat!"  
  
And thus did the Lord of Destruction go forth to climb to the very peaks of sacred Mount Arreat, wherein God had left the seed of Sanctuary's genesis. All of Hell followed with him, carving great paths of brutal death among the living. None were safe from the hordes as they sterilized the icy wastelands of all that dared made use of the warmth of life. Night became as day from the glow of the fires of Hell that were lit on the peaks, turning the entire holy mountain into a giant torch.  
  
God closed his eyes and muttered a prayer to himself, seeking an answer to the question of what to do now. A deep drag on a cigarette produced a most unusual vision, of small stones forming patterns that allowed great powers. "I've got it!" God proclaimed as he took a final puff and dumped the butt into a well-used ash tray. "Tempered as their weapons are, they shall need powers greater still to overcome this ultimate challenge. I shall create runes to aid them in their final quest, and from those runes they shall spell words of immense power. Their weapons and armor shall accept these runes in sockets, and when done properly a new power shall be granted to them. Behold!" And thus were the runewords created.  
  
And so the Heroes all paused to regroup their strength, taking time to socket the new runes properly to increase their status. Shields began to glow with inner fire, while blades took on edges harder than diamond. Helms became invincible, and armors became suffused with ethereal glows of power. Thus empowered, the seven mighty Heroes took to the slopes of Mount Arreat to fight their way past the lines of defending demons and Undead. They traversed the icy catacombs beneath the peak before emerging at the very summit of the holy mountain and prepared to do battle with the Lord of Destruction.  
  
The sun may have well not bothered to set that night, for the constant glow of the battle that raged on the peak cast an almost blinding glow across the realm. The hordes of evil were many and the Heroes of Light were only seven in number, but their combined might, enhanced by one another and by the holy runewords, proved to be ultimately victorious. And there in the Chamber of the Worldstone was Baal defeated in an epic combat that shook the very firmament of all Creation. And so the holiest of holy wars was raged in the name of the Light, the legendary Armageddon itself, and thus with a smile God called it f'ing great.  
  
"Nuh uh uh," the Dark Ones replied with a smug smile. "Behold the cracks in the Worldstone. Baal is lost, but so is the Worldstone, and with it all of Sanctuary as well. Give it up, you've lost this time."  
  
And God sighed as he stood up to his full height. "Sanctuary was created in six days, and in so too shall it be destroyed. But what is Time to the one who invented it? I shall allow the world to be destroyed, but only to be made anew as a new day, and Light shall once again shine upon the souls of man. I shall take these Heroes of Light, my chosen champions, to a place of safety so they will not be affected by this cosmic recycling."  
  
"Alright then," the Dark Ones replied, "If that's the way you want it, we can accomodate. Send in the cows." And thus a great silence spread across the realm as both Hero and God tried to figure out what this one meant. The winds became deathly calm, and not even the Druid could stir them to act. An eternity passed before a single sound was heard echoing down a valley like a mournful dirge....  
  
"Moo," said the Cow King as the herd began to form. "Moo moo. Moo...."  
  
And God said to the Dark Ones, "You have to be shitting me." And so God watched as the herd formed, a great and endless pile of bovine beasts. Their numbers knew no end, and their hooves began to paw at the land as they began their slow journey down the valley and into the fields.  
  
"No way," said the Paladin unto God. "No f'ing way. We are going to need some SERIOUS divine guidance if we are to survive this one, my liege."  
  
"That's it," God said unto himself, "I need some help here."  
  
And thus God started to travel the cosmos, searching for that which could help him. He crossed the barriers of space and Time, delayed once for a cosmic moment as he stepped in a black hole and had to wipe his sandal off on a gas giant's asteroid belt. He finally found himself at the door of a small house in the middle of somewhere, tucked away in a dimensional kink of reality, and without hesitation he knocked upon the door.  
  
"Hey, will you get that?" a voice said from within. "It's probably the pizza guy." And lo, there was the sound of footsteps from within the house as a man opened up the door. He blinked as he saw the divine being of God before him and began to squint. "You're not here to deliver pizza, are you?" he said in a careful tone.  
  
"Greetings," God replied unto the man. "I am thy Lord God."  
  
The man sighed quietly and looked over his shoulder into the dwelling. "Okay, who's the bastard that ordered Chinese and didn't tell me?" he said to his companions.  
  
And God said to him, "I need your help. You will fashion for me a portal that will bridge two worlds together, where I might find a worthy soul. This soul is to be my avatar, to act in my stead and to help guide my chosen Heroes along their path to defeat the Dark Ones and their evils."  
  
To which man replied, "Wait, you want us to do what?" And so he sat on the porch to hear God's word and learn what needed to be done. "So let me get this right," he finally said when God was done. "You want me to come up with a way for people to take charge of your Heroes and tell them what to do?"  
  
And God replied, "Essentially, yes."  
  
And the man finally smiled with understanding. "Well, sir," he said to the Creator, "My name's Bill Roper, and I think I and my team can help...."  
  
And thus was Blizzard created....

( Original formatting stored at www sailormoonv net ) 


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